What Does it Feel Like to Have ADHD?
Having an ADHD brain means you live a life full of paradox. And you’ve likely beaten yourself up over these paradoxes, not to mention you’ve probably been called lazy, unmotivated, or careless by others. Why is it that an ADHDer can spend twelve hours straight working on a project (that is due by midnight) but can’t seem to write that email that you asked them to write two weeks ago? Why is it that a teenaged boy can spend hours and hours playing a video game but can’t seem to put away his laundry?
The way the ADHD brain is wired sets us up to be totally confusing to those around us (and to ourselves, as well). We want to do the things we are supposed to do. It is just often monumentally more difficult for us to do it than it would be for a non-ADHDer. This is because our brains tend to work against us when we are supposed to focus on something. Rather than our Pre-Frontal Cortex (PFC) lighting up when we need to work on a task, it does the opposite. Yep, you read that right. It goes dark. (Shown on brain scans.) So we need to learn ways to hack our brains so that we can get that PFC to do its job!
The best description I’ve heard of this (and I wish I could give credit to whomever came up with it, but I heard it almost 10 years ago and I have no clue where!) is that our brains are like an orchestra and the PFC is the conductor. In a non ADHD brain, most of the time, the conductor keeps all the various sections of the orchestra playing as they should and beautiful music is the result. In an ADHD brain? Well, that conductor is extremely talented and can pull some amazing music from the orchestra, BUT, he sleeps most of the time and he’s not easy to wake up. So the orchestra plays, but all at the same time. There are no dynamics, no solos, and no real music to be heard. The conductor generally only wakes up for one of two reasons: a fire or something shiny.
A fire is when the consequences of inaction are large enough to scare the conductor awake. It is something urgent. It could be that if you don’t get that report done by tomorrow your boss will fire you. Or it could be that you’ve just gotten a call that your in-laws are in town and coming for dinner…and your house looks like a tsunami just hit. In both of those cases, the ADHD brain senses a “fire” and wakes up. And because the conductor is awake, you’ll have access to your PFC and you’ll be able to finish that report in time or stash and dash the house to a clean-ish state by dinner.
And that something shiny? Well, it’s anything you find interesting. And if you’re in the midst of another fun ADHD trait—task avoidance—you might even find the laundry interesting. Okay, take a moment to laugh. That was a joke. You never find it interesting to put away laundry, do you? Well, maybe right after you read the Marie Kondo book and decided it might be fun to “file” your clothes in the drawer. I’m sure you were able to keep that up for at least a week, like I was.
But I digress (that’s something ADHD peeps do A LOT! Digress, not put away clothes. I’ve already established that, haven’t I?) But you might decide today is the day to sort out that spice drawer and organize it in Pinterest-worthy fashion. Or, if you’re not avoiding an important task, you probably have several go-to activities that you absolutely love and will totally lose track of time while doing. Those are your shiny things. Those are the things you can focus on for hours.
For me, reading is a big one. I’m a fiction reader down to my bones. I love a good story and I’d probably rather sit on my patio with a good book more than almost anything I’m supposed to be doing. Reading is shiny for me so I can do it for hours. But if I’m supposed to read a text book for a class? Meh. It’s not likely I’ll be able to do that until right before it’s due, when it becomes a fire and my conductor shakes off his sleep and takes out his baton. Tap-tap-tap.
Procrastination and Hyper-focus are two of our most used tools. Basically, we procrastinate until we feel the heat of the fire and then we drop into hyper-focus and get that $h!t done. So that’s why the paper that we had ten weeks to write during college didn’t even get past the first page until the week it was due. It’s not shocking that people think we are lazy or careless. From the outside, that’s exactly what it looks like. It looks like we are choosing to do only the things we want to do. And it makes those around us resentful. They are doing things they don’t want to do. Why do we get to skip out on our responsibilities and focus on fun? But they don’t know the stress that it causes us. They don’t feel the intense shame we do when we screw something up, yet again. When we miss a deadline or have to pay yet another late fee (aka the ADHD tax). Or when we lose our phone or our glasses or our shoes for the tenth time in a week.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always dealt with my failings as if they didn’t bother me. Because I can’t get all upset every time it happens. It’s too frequent. So I just shrug and shake it off because I’m TRYING TO SURVIVE. I totally get that it makes it look even more like I don’t care. But this is the reality of living with ADHD. You pick and choose your battles. Preferably when the conductor is awake. And if that makes it look like we don’t care that we screwed up again, well, we are very good actors. It does bother us. I promise. But until we hit a certain threshold we will likely act like it doesn’t. But when we reach that point? Eeek. Then it’s a nasty meltdown and nobody wants to see that.
So basically, having an ADHD brain feels like you’re always playing catch-up. Always letting someone down. And always “trying to get organized.” But, once you realize what is causing these things…once you know that you’re not broken but just different, you can begin to find ways to minimize the damage from the negatives of ADHD and maximize the positives. And with proper support and understanding from those who love you, you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish!
Here in this space, I’ll be offering my suggestions for hacking your ADHD brain, based on research and my personal experience. And here comes the disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I cannot and would not diagnose anyone with anything. But I do understand what it’s like to live with undiagnosed ADHD for most of your life. And my sincerest hope is that I can provide some light on the path as you take your own journey of discovering how to thrive with an ADHD brain.
Action Steps:
Check out our ADHD Toolbox section for tips and tricks as well as some awesome resources.
Join our Facebook Group, ADHD Mamas in Midlife. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone.
Check out the Reduce Toxic Load section of the website. ADHD is greatly affected by our hormones and brain chemistry. Reducing your toxic load will help!
