Everyone Has ADHD (and Other Myths)
I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until I was 43. But I suspected it for probably a decade prior to that. Why did it take me so long to get a diagnosis? Mostly because I believed the myths about ADHD. Any time I brought it up, I heard things like:
“Oh yeah, everyone has ADD these days.”
“Seems like a convenient excuse to cover up for laziness.”
“ADHD was made up by drug companies.”
“ADHD is way over-diagnosed. It’s a shame.”
And those were all just what I heard in my own head! (Although I heard them from others, too.) But the point is I believed these things. And it made me hate myself even more. Truth was, I had been struggling with certain things (see the Laundry List of ADHD Shame Triggers) for so long (at least 30 years) before I even had a clue it could be related to ADHD so my internal dialogue was already a very scary landscape.
On the outside, people saw a middle-class suburban woman, who managed four busy kids, with a husband who worked a ton of evening hours. Who volunteered at church and the PTA and got her kids where they needed to be most of the time. Who managed to write and publish a couple books and then start a successful real estate business. From the outside I looked like I kind of had it together.
The people who were closer in (my husband and kids…maybe my sisters and mom, too) could see my struggle areas. They knew my house was always a mess and the laundry was never put away and I forgot the permission slip for the field trip and I was late getting the birthday treats to school and we were doing take-out from Outback Steakhouse, yet again. But everyone around me (including myself) assumed those issues were there because I was either lazy, or didn’t care enough to be on time or to get organized.
But inside my head, that was where the really cruel things were said. “Why can’t you freaking get it together, Rebekah? What is wrong with you? You are so lazy and useless. Come on. Get it together, woman. I thought you were smart? This isn’t supposed to be this hard. Everyone else seems to be able to accomplish these things, why can’t you? If you are late one more time, they aren’t going to invite you again. You’re such a joke. Don’t even bother trying to do that. You know you won’t be able to finish it. You never finish anything. Nothing is going to work. You’re never going to be able to conquer your demons. You will always fail. Maybe this time will be different. Hahahaha. Idiot. It’s never different. There’s no point.”
When you have created deep grooves in your subconscious for decades, you don’t even realize you’re thinking these thoughts. They can be affecting you on such a deep level that you have no idea they are directing your actions. If you’re always worried about making sure you don’t screw up again, you tend to live your life pretty small. Why try to tackle big things when you’ve proved to yourself over and over that you can’t finish what you start? Having those ideas embedded in the fabric of your belief system will absolutely affect what you choose to do on a daily basis.
When someone has had decades to make up their own internal story for why they always feel like such a failure, it takes a lot of work to unearth those deeply buried messages and begin to dismantle them for the lies that they are. It’s a lot easier, in the short term, to just believe the lies. But that way leads to a never-ending cycle of trying harder, shameful relapses, promises to do better, more internal boxing matches, and depression. Misdiagnosis. Self-medicating. Rinse. Repeat.
So lets dismantle those lies together. Shall we?
First, everyone does not have ADHD. Yes, the world is fast paced and many people are overworked, overwhelmed and overloaded with stress. But that doesn’t mean they all have a neurological condition that causes their brain to work differently than the average person. That doesn’t mean that everyone is lacking the dopamine necessary to fuel their executive function. So while a lot of people identify with the distracted, hot-mess life, saying that everyone has ADHD is patently false and minimizes the very difficult struggles that undiagnosed ADHD has caused, especially in many women, who tend to be diagnosed later in life.
I am not lazy. Saying that feels like a lie because I’d assumed my whole life—before I began to understand ADHD—that I must be lazy or I would have conquered these demons long before now. But if I were lazy, I wouldn’t give a f*ck that I can’t seem to get my To-Do list done. I would just enjoy being lazy.
I’ve read enough books and listened to enough podcasts on ADHD to know that what looks like laziness is actually analysis paralysis and an inability to prioritize a mile long to do list. And it is patently unfair to call it laziness. Because we don’t enjoy it. We don’t actually relax. We may look like we are calmly scrolling social media. But inside our head there’s a running dialogue and a ticking clock. We are scolding ourselves the whole time and we are watching our available time slip away, minute by minute while we get absolutely nothing done. It’s so frustrating! We are filled with frustration and rage and annoyance at ourselves. You don’t need to beat us up. We do it very well on our own!
ADHD was not invented by drug companies. Yes, they absolutely profit off of selling ADHD medications but that doesn’t mean the condition isn’t real. Nor does it mean those drugs aren’t helpful. I’m not going to tell anyone else what they should do regarding medication. But I found Adderall to be immensely helpful after so many years of struggling with ADHD symptoms in my daily life. I don’t know that I’ll always utilize Adderall but I’m very thankful it was an option for me.
And lastly, ADHD is not over-diagnosed. According to NIMH, the overall prevalence of current adult ADHD is 4.4% but it’s estimated it could be closer to 5%, allowing for millions who don’t realize they have it. Which means 95% of people likely don’t have ADHD. And while there are certainly instances of college kids getting diagnosed by a quack doctor so they can use Adderall to help them study and I’m sure there are instances where people are diagnosed with ADHD only to find out later that their doctor made a mistake and they actually have a different diagnosis, the truth is that women—in particular—are massively misdiagnosed with other conditions instead of ADHD (usually anxiety or depression).
I was diagnosed with depression in my 20s. I had never shown any signs of depression before that but I had a one year old and a three year old, I was building a business and I was struggling to cope. For the first time in my life, I had a thought that life might be a lot easier if I just drove off the road and landed myself in the hospital. I don’t think I was seriously considering ending my life. But I was looking for a pause button. I was so overwhelmed I felt like I was drowning. So I talked to my doctor and a psychologist and was diagnosed with generalized depression, possibly related to postpartum.
It would be another 20 years before I’d get the correct diagnosis and think to myself, “Of course I was depressed. I was living with undiagnosed ADHD and it was making me feel like such a failure. That would depress anyone!”
The increase in overall diagnosis likely has to do with the increase in awareness of what ADHD truly is and the fact that children don’t actually outgrow it. So, many adults who managed not to get a diagnosis as a kid (I’m looking at all my fellow Inattentive ADHDers here) are now getting that diagnosis as an adult. And of note, ADD and ADHD are the same thing. ADD is an older term that is now encompassed within the term ADHD. The differentiation of whether or not the person has hyperactivity is dealt with by the fact that ADHD is composed of three subtypes: Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined. And while we’re defining things, I’d like to point out that the name, Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder is a misnomer, anyway. ADHD is not characterized by a deficit of attention but by a deficit of executive function which makes it very difficult for the ADHD brain to know what to focus on at any given moment. But as anyone who has experienced the superpower of ADHD known as Hyperfocus can tell you, we are able to focus under the right conditions. And the whole goal of my research into ADHD is to help me figure out how to set myself up in those “right conditions” more and more often.
So, to wrap up…as you research ADHD, you will hear many very opinionated statements about ADHD, medication, personal responsibility and overdiagnosis. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. But they are not entitled to make you feel less than. Don’t give others that power. The important thing to remember is that ADHD is an actual neurological condition that is visible in brain scans. And while everyone can show symptoms of ADHD on occasion, those of us who do have ADHD know that it is an all-day, every day issue for us. Not an occasional feeling of overwhelm. You have every right to seek out a diagnosis and support. Don’t let ignorance keep you stuck, like I did for too many years.
Action Steps:
Check out our ADHD Toolbox section for tips and tricks as well as some awesome resources.
Join our Facebook Group, ADHD Mamas in Midlife. Sometimes it just helps to know you’re not alone.
Check out the Reduce Toxic Load section of the website. ADHD is greatly affected by our hormones and brain chemistry. Reducing your toxic load will help!
